Sex Ed: The Untold Truth About Having Babies

By now, most of you know that I have a brand new baby girl. She is by far my greatest achievement. That being said, there are a considerable amount of details of parent life that they do not warn you about before you conceive. This blog is my version of Sex Ed for those considering the mommy and daddy life. Please sit back and enjoy a glass of vodka or cup of coffee while you can!

        Let us begin with mommy life. If you are planning to be a mommy you should be prepared to not only devote all of your time to baby but also all of your body. I used to believe that I was in control of my body and its purpose. The little milk sucking zombie that is my baby has taught me differently. My baby can zone in on one of my boobs from across the room and it will immediately ache with the production of milk. She has powers I never knew could exist. Once a boob is in her range she will grab a hold and latch on for dear life, rendering me defenseless.

          When baby is finished extracting the life out of me, she moves to my shoulder where she will expel all of her saliva and vomit on to my skin and clothes. Then the beast must sleep to regain her strength for the next feeding. This vicious cycle is said to continue for at least a year, if not 2.

 Fig. 1 The Beast in its natural habitat

Fig.2 The Beast shows its sharp fangs

            If you are planning to breast feed there are numerous variables to consider. First and foremost, you cannot do any of the good drugs while breastfeeding because they will transfer to your baby. You can plan to pump and dump for at least a week but trust me, you will not want to waste all that hard earned milk. Breastfeeding hurts! I love to read facebook posts and see instagram pics of moms declaring their love for breastfeeding and how it is the greatest gift to humankind. What they aren't telling you (but I am sure they are telling their baby daddy's) is that breastfeeding hurts, and it hurts a lot. Your boobs will ache and swell, your nipples will crack and any small draft can cause them pain. Worst of all they can create Mas Titis, I mean mastitis. Mastits is the clogging of the milk ducts inside your breasts. You will be able to feel bumps on your breasts where the milk is gathering and it hurts like hell. Not all women will have these problems but I guarantee if you ask a majority of women who breastfed they will tell you they have felt the wrath in one way or another. Not to fear, breastfeeding does get better after about a month of delivery as long as you take good care of you and your milk makers.

          It will undoubtedly take you an extra hour to leave your house when you plan to go out. Make sure to have three hours prior to your engagement to get ready. This includes preparing your baby bag, defrosted milk bags for the baby sitter (yes, you have to freeze milk after you pump it because eventually baby will need more than you can provide),  and your makeup bag because you will only have time to do your makeup in the car.

       Enough about moms let's get to the dads. Dad, if you have a steady gym routine don't be alarmed if that goes out the window. Don't be too discouraged because you will eventually figure out how to get your life back. In the meantime, your schedule will have to revolve around mom and baby and when they need to sleep. If mom doesn't get her sleep, you do not get your sanity, so beware. Extracurricular activity such as surfing, snowboarding, smoking, partying and/or sex all have to be on hold until a pattern in the household is created. Patience is a virtue.

        Dads, you do not get enough credit. Not only are you thrown into parenthood without the added nurturing brain cells that moms grow postpartum, you also have to deal with moms and their hormones that are quite frankly terrifying at times. So, cheers to you dad! Crack open a beer and watch the fight, you deserve it!
     
Well I hope you learned something from my version of Sex Ed. If you are to leave this blog with only one piece of information, let it be this: Do not have sex, because you will get pregnant and you will not be able to party or go to Vegas for many years after. You will however gain a small human who will undoubtedly be a way better person than you are today. That little human deserves the very best so try YOUR best to provide him or her with all the love and care you can give. You won't regret it!

Love always.......
Cass