Let us begin with mommy life. If you are planning to be a mommy you should be prepared to not only devote all of your time to baby but also all of your body. I used to believe that I was in control of my body and its purpose. The little milk sucking zombie that is my baby has taught me differently. My baby can zone in on one of my boobs from across the room and it will immediately ache with the production of milk. She has powers I never knew could exist. Once a boob is in her range she will grab a hold and latch on for dear life, rendering me defenseless.
When baby is finished extracting the life out of me, she moves to my shoulder where she will expel all of her saliva and vomit on to my skin and clothes. Then the beast must sleep to regain her strength for the next feeding. This vicious cycle is said to continue for at least a year, if not 2.
Fig. 1 The Beast in its natural habitat
Fig.2 The Beast shows its sharp fangs
It will undoubtedly take you an extra hour to leave your house when you plan to go out. Make sure to have three hours prior to your engagement to get ready. This includes preparing your baby bag, defrosted milk bags for the baby sitter (yes, you have to freeze milk after you pump it because eventually baby will need more than you can provide), and your makeup bag because you will only have time to do your makeup in the car.
Enough about moms let's get to the dads. Dad, if you have a steady gym routine don't be alarmed if that goes out the window. Don't be too discouraged because you will eventually figure out how to get your life back. In the meantime, your schedule will have to revolve around mom and baby and when they need to sleep. If mom doesn't get her sleep, you do not get your sanity, so beware. Extracurricular activity such as surfing, snowboarding, smoking, partying and/or sex all have to be on hold until a pattern in the household is created. Patience is a virtue.
Dads, you do not get enough credit. Not only are you thrown into parenthood without the added nurturing brain cells that moms grow postpartum, you also have to deal with moms and their hormones that are quite frankly terrifying at times. So, cheers to you dad! Crack open a beer and watch the fight, you deserve it!
Well I hope you learned something from my version of Sex Ed. If you are to leave this blog with only one piece of information, let it be this: Do not have sex, because you will get pregnant and you will not be able to party or go to Vegas for many years after. You will however gain a small human who will undoubtedly be a way better person than you are today. That little human deserves the very best so try YOUR best to provide him or her with all the love and care you can give. You won't regret it!
Love always.......
Cass